Overcoming Pleasing
“Pleasing has us pay attention to things that we really don't care about. Our lives become a reflection of who we think we need to please.”
At some point in a woman’s life, she will battle the 3-headed monster of Pleasing, Proving, and Perfectionism.
Pleasing – Instinctually, women are compelled to please. We survive by being connected and accepted in a group. It is a function of our herd instincts. It shows up as “Am I pleasing to my boss?” or “Am I pleasing to my significant other?”
Perfectionism – is a survival mechanism rooted in fear of judgement. It is that inner critic or ideal woman who whispers in our ear, that if we dot our ‘i’s and cross our ‘t’s then we will be accepted. It shows up as feeling like we are just not good enough.
Proving – is a downward spiral of demonstrating and producing evidence to gain approval and acceptance. Do you ever feel like you are constantly proving a point or proving your skills?
It is not a matter of if a woman will face these monsters but when will she face them and how will she empower herself to
Face opposing expectations and shine her light
Overcome fear to express herself
Lead herself to live her fullest expression
In this article, we are looking at how we empower ourselves when we are facing the Pleasing head of this 3-headed monster.
I frequently battle the head of Pleasing. Here’s how it shows up:
In my business ~ Will my readers like my posts? Will anyone read my articles?
At home dressing up for date night ~ Will my husband like my dress?
We are most susceptible to Pleasing when we are in Gathering mode. In Gathering Mode, our instinct is to connect and be part of the group. It is a herd instinct and that’s how we survive. As a result, we will do things that are pleasing and avoid displeasing.
Pleasing is dictated by the values of the herd/group.
Pleasing has us pay attention to things that we really don't care about. Our lives become a reflection of who we think you need to please or where we have obligations. We can lose ourselves to the point of being unrecognizable.
As a result, we please everyone, our parents, our spouses, our bosses, even our kids. By the end of the day, everyone is pleased except us. In my corporate roles, I would be consumed with pleasing customers, my boss, and my teams. I gave to the point of exhaustion. Over giving and pleasing resulted in feeling like tarnished silver after years of neglect.
Signs that you may be dealing with the monster of Pleasing:
You can’t seem to say ‘No’ to offers and opportunities.
You have a difficult time sharing your opinions. You don’t want to appear difficult.
You say “I’m sorry” a lot. Many of your conversations start with ”I’m sorry.”
You over give. You are the go to person for volunteering, leading, and organizing.
You don’t have any free time. You have overcommitted to the point of no free time.
Where in your life are you losing yourself in pleasing?
Pleasing is a downward spiral which leaves you feeling frustrated, resentful, and tired. Interrupting the downward spiral begins when we honor and empower ourselves.
Awareness, understanding, and compassion are the first steps in making a change.
Some ideas to shift out of Pleasing Mode into honoring yourself:
Notice when it’s happening and have compassion for yourself
Ask yourself, is this something I really want to do?
Ask yourself, is this something I really care about?
Make a new choice
As you make new choices; you might feel a bit of tension because that is not what you have always done. Be fearless in honoring yourself.
Remember…
If you are paying attention to things that you really don’t care about then you might be caught up in pleasing.
If your life isn’t a reflection of your values, then you might be stuck in the downward spiral of pleasing.
If your life is a reflection of what you are afraid of, then you might stuck in pleasing.
What will you choose to do different today?
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