Heart Cards & Healing Words
This post is for every woman who has experienced hurt feelings or disrespect. When our feelings get hurt, we become disconnected at so many levels. There are consequences if we are unable to be restored. For example, it becomes difficult to partner; we may withdraw; it becomes hard to be creative; and the list goes on. When Bob and I were first dating, he had a manner of speaking and a tone of voice that would totally piss me off. It had a condescending feel to it. If he thought I did not understand something or needed clarity, then the voice would come out. While I shared how much it upset me, he would still do it. On Valentine’s Day, Bob presented me with a stack of heart cards. He shared, “I don’t realize when I am using that voice, but I love you very much. Any time I talk to you that way, just slide me a card so I know.”
In relationships, it’s not a matter of if you will get your feelings hurt but when will you get your feelings hurt. While we want to be optimistic in our relationships, we also need to be realistic. There will be disagreements with your partner, conflicts with your kids, and disruptions at work. It is part of life. What if in our most intimate and important relationships we took a more creative approach to our communications? What if we let our loved ones know that we feel disrespected? What if we sought to restore ourselves when we get our feelings hurt? Bob and I still use our little cards as a signal that how he is speaking to me does not feel loving or collaborative. If you don’t have little cards, perhaps an agreed upon code word that something has gone awry. Before blowing up or falling apart, take a step back, breathe, and signal your partner that you’ve been hurt.
While we may be hurting and just need to be restored, most men do not even realize that they have hurt our feelings. The men in our life are often reluctant to apologize or say, “I am sorry”. This is a result of them having experienced a woman in their past that has taken the apology as an admission of guilt or wrongdoing. A woman will then use this apology as an offensive weapon to be brought up again and again. We have trained the men in our life to never apologize even if it could restore a woman because they are afraid the apology will be thrown back at them in the future.
Restoration takes collaboration between a woman and her partner. While this blog has been written with the partner as a man; the partner could be anyone you have a relationship with (such as a co-worker). When a woman has been upset, restoration requires:
For her, she needs to
Agree that an apology is not an admittance of guilt or something to be used against someone later
Acknowledge and agree that they didn’t mean to hurt you
Apologize for your reaction which may have been an over reaction
For her partner, he/she needs to agree to
Honor her reality and experience of the situation
Respond with an apology to her signal/code words
Be sincere and not offer justification or buts to defend themselves
If a man does not realize that he has hurt our feelings, then it is hard for him to say, “I’m sorry”. To a man it seems illogical but engaging in a process of restoring a woman is an expression of human spirit. If a woman can show a man how it is worth it to them, then men are willing to give it a try. Once a man apologizes, we as women need to truly forgive and let it go.
For times when a woman needs support to be restored, I provide Restoration Sessions. I work with clients to engage in a process of Noble Healing which enables them to be restored from disrespect or hurt feelings that someone else caused. There are times, it is much easier to be restored when you're not defending yourself.
Since receiving my heart cards, I have taught many women about the value of having some sort of signal for when they are experiencing disrespect or hurt feelings. While I don’t use my heart cards often, I have them for emergency situations. According to my husband, creating the hearts cards was like “printing your own get out of jail free cards.”
If this post resonated with you, drop me some comments below. Have fun with the special people in your life creating some heart cards.